By C’MON REF, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!, Drunk, Incoherent and Belligerent in the Bleachers
PRESCOTT, AZ – In a shocking turn of events, the first ever ERAU Men’s Baseball team won their first home game during the seventh inning stretch, when a column of Eagles charged the opposing team and physically beat them off the field with their baseball bats.
The carnage that unfolded has never been seen before on this campus (at least not since the Great Chicken Tendie Massacre of ‘93). The Eagles came at their opponents with blood-thirsty, masculine ferocity. The referees could not contain the violence, as a cacophony of blood curdling screams, and the thud of wooden talon engulfed the newly built baseball field.
Embry-Riddle’s spectators largely disapproved of the tactic. ERAU Sophomore Josie Jacob-Jingelheimer-Schmidt complained, “why do all of these ‘roided-out jocks have to ruin sports for the rest of us? I just came here to pay $50 for a hotdog and watch paint dry.” Jacob-Jingelheimer-Schmidt and many other spectators demanded refunds for their free tickets, universally citing the gratuitous violence as “kind of a bad look, tbh.”
On the field, Eagle shortstop Jimmy John Dale Bobson described how the violent push began: “We were down 69 to zero by the seventh, and ‘coach was getting real mad. He pulled us all in a huddle and passed out bats. Some of them had nails in them, yo.”
Eagle Tight-End and 2nd String Goalkeeper P. P. Poopyman-McDiaper-Baby added that “coach got us all riled up, and told us the only way that we could win is by dominating the other team, physically.” According to Poopyman-McDiaper-Baby, this is when Embry-Riddle Baseball Head Coach Tommy Toxic-Masculinity led the charge into the opposition’s dug-out, bat in hand.
While many spectators recoiled in horror, baseball spectator and Embry-Riddle super senior Canned “Daisy-Duke” Shorts loved this conclusion to the match. Shorts believes that “humanity made a mistake when [we] started banning violent sports. The reason the Romans got on so well is because of that colosseum, man. The people want blood. It makes us feel alive, man. It makes us calm, brother, like water, man. I swear to you – there ain’t nothin’ like it. [sic]”
Shorts went on to assert “-I’m not kidding, man! Blood is life, dude! It’s like a language. We can bathe in that shit, man, it’s just like water. I drink that shit with my morning yoga, man.”
After the opposition was sufficiently beaten, Coach Toxic-Masculinity blew a whistle to call timeout, so the guest team could load all of their gear onto their buses and leave. At this point, the referees emerged from their cars in the parking lot with choice but to declare ERAU the winners, as the other team had effectively forfeited the match.
Poopyman-McDiaper-Baby commented that “this whole thing was totally bonkers. I can’t believe that actually worked! I feel so much more secure in my manhood, now, having beaten other men for literally no reason at all. Real baseball doesn’t compare.”
Bobson added to this, saying “yeah, dude, that was awesome. Nobody can prepare a defense against that style of play. I hope next time Coach lets us use the metal bats!”
Coach Toxic-Masculinity declined to comment on his decisive victory.
In total there were 29 casualties: nine of the guest team’s players were tragically concussed, 16 players from both teams were hospitalized for fractured bones and heavy bruising, a $300 can of Bud Light was spilled on the ground, and three more players went home with boo-boos and owies. What a way to kick off the first-ever Embry-Riddle Baseball season!